Saturday, April 6, 2013

Fuck You, David Caruso

                                              Few can manage to be this douchey in cartoon form.

  No, really. Fuck you, David Caruso. Is my loathing entirely rational? Nope. But it is as real as the nose on your face, my friend. I fucking despise him, and it irks me that he is legally able to list "Actor" as his occupation. His acting is so terrible and trite that it can be summed up in an endless series of memes-sunglasses off, hands on hips, etc. I remember being so excited when his "rising star" imploded after the whole "I'm leaving NYPD Blue to become a MOVIE STAR-so long suckers!" douchebaggery. How did that work out for you, Dave? I thought, my Schadenfruede in full, cuntish effect as I watched in 'Jade'. I thought he was gone. I was sadly mistaken.

  And before any of you Carusaders jump on my shit about it, please know that you shan't dissuade me. He is awful-I know it, and deep down you must know it too. So save your breath, and my time. Just because he's making mad bank on his show doesn't make him a better actor. I mean, it could, if he would step out of his delusion and seek professional help (like an acting coach), but realistically it won't. 

  So, since he doesn't seem to be hanging up his shades any time soon, let's talk about other shitty actors, shall we? Why not, right? And don't worry-we are equal opportunity here at FTG, so we'll spare some vitriol for the ladies too.

                                                         "Take cover, chiiiiiiiild! Shitty actiiiiing!"

  First off, the Big Daddy of bad acting, Mr. Nicholas Cage. I know, I'm lobbing softballs, but to not include him on a list of bad actors is akin to leaving Daniel Day Lewis off of a list of great ones. I love some movies he's been in-Kickass, Gone in 60 Seconds, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, but my love for them has nothing to do with Nick Cage. He is easily the most ham-fisted actor of our generation, and can't be in a movie without being Nicholas Cage. He is not one to disappear in a role, which is what acting is supposed to be comprised of.

                                                              **Cough** Sorry- hairball.

    Yes, Halle Berry made the list. Of course she did. Anyone who can fuck up Catwoman, one of my all-time favorite comic book characters, deserves to be on the list. Seriously, Halle-what the fuck? She seemed so excited to be the new Catwoman, and yet she was such an utter disappointment in pretty much every way. And, in spite of the lovely statuette she owns (remember? The one she gave a six-hour gush of a speech about receiving?), she is sadly a terrible actress. And acting as though her shitty acting is somehow some reflection on race relations? Are you fucking joking? Get fleas, Halle.

"Say it, Mayonnaise!" "Sir, I'm a shitty actor, SIR!"

Richard Gere is next on the list-as in the case of Nicholas Cage, there are several Gere movies that are near and dear to me, but he is just a smarmy, annoying actor. And now, of course, he is apparently spiritual and serious, which makes him even less fun than usual.  

"This pole tastes like broken dreams, piss-poor acting and glitter body spray."

  Elizabeth Berkley is an author now, but we all know her for her lousy acting. She played the second most annoying character in Saved By the Bell (topped only by Screech), and delivered the infamous line "I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so...scared. *sob*" But that was mere child's play compared to the abomination that is Showgirls. The movie is a trainwreck to begin with, but Jessie Spano's acting takes it to a whole new world. Her acting was so bad that it even detracted from the Skinemax guilty pleasure of the whole thing, which is a bit tragic.

"See the position of the eyebrows? The slight furrow implies a deep well of emotions."

  Colin Farrell is another actor who decided to go and ruin a comic book character on the big screen. Granted, Daredevil was a bit of an abortion to begin with, but Colin and his emoting brows were especially ineptly cast. He's one of those actors who just annoys me by merely being on the screen-from Phone Booth to Total Recall, his Colin Farrell-ness just bugs the fuck out of me. The one concession I can grant him is that I could listen to him all day long, what with the accent and all. But watching him? Pass.

"Oh my god. I'm so thrilled to be talking to you. No, I'm not being sarcastic-I mean it. I'm smiling and everything."

   You knew I was going to get to Kristen Stewart eventually, right? Now relax, twihards-this isn't a bash on Bella Swan, as she does not exist. No, this is an indictment of the alleged acting Kristen Stewart gets paid fucktons of money for. The girl has the emotional reach of a rotting cabbage, and few vehicles showcase this lack of skill as the Twilight series. Her range consists of: frown, half-frown, furrowed brow, heaving sobs, and awkward hair-playing. Not the stuff of acting legend. On a side note, if you refer to Twilight as a "saga", you obviously lack the most basic grasp of that word's definition, and should probably not talk anymore.

"I was cast in Dracula? Why? WHY???!!!!"

  Now before my better half punches me in the nose, let me just say that Keanu Reeves is a special case. I generally like him-sure, he can be a little shallow in his acting, but 99.9% of the roles he chooses embrace his skill set. I think we can, however, all agree that Dracula was a really craptastic choice. That alone is enough to earn him a spot on this list, because no matter how visually lovely Dracula is, you always have Keanu barging in with his douchey British accent, ruining the moment.

"I told you-I'm British now. Fancy a cuppa? Need the loo? See? British."

  I'm not going to lie-I really loved Madonna in A League of Their Own. But beyond that? Fuck off. I can't think of one instance other than that one movie where she was anything but obnoxious. Dick Tracy, Swept Away, The Next Big Thing, Evita-in every one of them she was turning in as much of a performance as she could muster, which was, in every case, not enough. She's always just Madonna-what worked in her music videos just isn't enough for the big screen. Also, her arms really sketch me out.

"You want to cast me in movies with Nicholas Cage? You're fucking joking, right?"

  Eva Mendes is lovely. Everyone knows this. But as far as acting goes, she is rarely worth the price of admission. And I can't decide if the casting directors responsible for putting her in more than one film with Nicholas Cage should be dragged behind a moving car or applauded for passive aggressively trying to ruin said movies, but either way it was a bit much. 

  So there it is, kids-my list of actors who suck at their jobs, but still managed to get paid to do it. If you disagree with anyone on the list, don't bother telling me, because I don't give a fuck. Oh, and one more thing: Fuck you, David Caruso!